By Michael Kearns

Just in time for Halloween, the dark side of a closet-case congressman has been revealed in hot-and-heavy details that no amount of spin can straighten out (pun fully intended).

When Florida Rep. Mark Foley’s juicy e-mail proposals to teenaged male pages were made public, the multiple strategies to humanize the embattled politician began to emerge as his representatives employed several tried-and-true scenarios to explain away why he was online, sending tantalizing proposals to youngsters.

Blame it on the booze: Taking his cue from Mel (and a host of other sodden celebs), Foley implies that the alcohol made him do these unmentionables. “Rehab” has become the instant cure (especially if you live in Hollywood or Washington, D.C.) for a wide variety of societal dysfunctions—from anti-Semitism to pederasty to insanity. Who wouldn’t trade a stint behind bars for 12 steps and all the coffee you can drink?

Try the Bill Clinton (“I did not sleep with that woman”) approach: Denial kept Michael (Kabuki Peter Pan) Jackson out of the pokey. Foley’s attorney insists that “there was never any inappropriate sexual contact with any minor.” Whatever you say, Marky Mark. Just for the record, another ex-politico, the honorable former President Jimmy Carter, considered lusting in his heart as immoral as actually performing the deed itself. Foley might ponder that in between his mandatory AA meetings.

Blame it on the Catholic Church: As if the pooped pope isn’t getting enough bad press these days, Foley’s rep intimates that being molested by a priest might be an explanation for his indiscretions. Thank God Pee Wee Herman didn’t try that one.

The suggestion of mental illness (for which Foley is currently being treated along with alcoholism): This tactic definitely has its upside. Ask Anne Heche who, after claiming to be the Second Coming of Christ, managed to wipe out her reputation as a dyke. Are you listening, Oprah and Gayle? Maybe after your cross-country trek, you two galpals should share a room at a loony bin and quash those lesbo rumors once and for all.

The better-late-than-never “I am a gay man” admission: Rock Hudson had fabulous success with this one—on his deathbed, no less—and it’s worked for several television stars on the verge of being outed by the tabloids. A move Sean Hayes might consider during this lifetime.

The problem with all of these muddled messages is their outrageous lack of sincerity.

The fact that Foley is a diehard Republican who headed a congressional caucus on children’s issues—wink, wink—fuels the irony of his conflictive circumstances. Makes you wonder if Whitney Houston has been leading groups at the Betty Ford Center instead of pursuing her career as a songbird.

Kirk Fordam, Foley’s former (gay) aide, described his ex-boss’ behavior as “just obscene.” President Bush, when he isn’t orchestrating the deaths of young boys at war, promises to ascertain if Foley committed a crime.

There is no question that Foley’s actions are “just obscene” and “criminal.” It is a crime to deny who you are, to squelch your true self and it’s “just obscene” to play the victim rather than take full responsibility for your undeniably human, yet flawed, behavior.

The lesson to be learned from Foley’s follies is blazingly clear for any of us who is knowingly dancing in darkness rather than seeking light—no matter how challenging that change may prove to be. Closeted Republicans in the House of Representatives are not exempt.

Redemption results from one’s zealous determination to change, not from manufacturing flimsy excuses to save a besotted reputation.

Visit www.michaelkearns.net.