By Japhy Grant

We're reaching a new low over here at OXO Headquarters this month. It's nearly Valentine's Day and once again I'm realizing that all those hours playing World of Warcraft have left me without anyone to snuggle with while watching reruns of the Mario Brothers movie. Who will suckle on these calloused thumbs of mine?

I'm kidding, actually. Dr. OXO has a very healthy sex life, thank you very much, but it's column time again and trying to tie video games to love is a real bitch. Sure, I could tell you about the great romances of video game history: Mario and The Princess, Squall and Zell (Final Fantasy VIII), Pac-Man and the Ghosts (Ms. Pac-Man is a transexual -- I think), but I know what you want, big boy: Videogame sex.

This summer gamers discovered you could have full-on sex on in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, through a hidden backdoor mod called "Hot Coffee Sex." This enraged concerned mothers and conservative senators who didn't mind all the looting and gunfire, but couldn't stomach the idea of vaginal intercourse in a video game. Heterosexuals have Leisure Suit Larry, but when it comes to man-on-man action in a videogame, until recently, the industry has been shooting blanks. This left Doc OXO wondering, "Where's the video game butt sex?"

A little investigating gave the answer: There's a lot of it, but none of it's any good. Since porn is the Internet's biggest industry and gamers spend a lot of time on the Internet, porn producers figured out that adding little Flash games or online sex games could help entice more customers. Universally, these "games" wind up being nothing more than glorified ads and get us no closer to coitus joystickus.

Even honest attempts at creating gay sex games are pretty lousy. Case in point: My Gay Sim Life (www.mygaysimlife.com) promises to be a queer version of The Sims. It's not. While there's a camp enjoyment to the game's premise that you are a hot guy cruising the Castro (Been dying to visit a virtual version of Harvey's? Here's your chance), the "gameplay" is nonexistent and the graphics look like they were ported from my childhood Apple IIgs. After the slight thrill of "I'm meeting guys in a virtual bath house!" wears off, you'll notice that there's almost nobody online to play with and that while you can have butt sex, watching it in 16-bit graphics is not as exciting as you would hope. Not that your hopes were all that high to begin with.

Billed as the first massive-multiplayer online sex game, Naughty America (www.naughty americathegame.com), to be released this spring, looks like it might be the sex game we've all been waiting for. The concept is pretty simple: Naughty merges the online dating/hook-up site with Sims-like interaction. You can hang out at the local gay bar (the game is open to all sexualities, which in practice is going to mean a lot of curious straight boys will be wandering around) and then, if all goes well, go back to your hotel room to heat things up. There's plenty of chat and Web cam features, which will hopefully counteract the cartoon look of the characters you play. Even that aspect of the game is queer-friendly; the boys are reminiscent of Glen Hanson's work in the gay comic Chelsea Boys. Happy hunting!

Next Month: Video game college.

Got a question for Dr. OXO? Send them to DocOXO@gmail.com.